One afternoon, years ago, I was on the back porch of a friend's house, listening to him discuss his awful day at work, when I suddenly realized that I wasn't actually listening to him. I was just waiting for my chance to speak. I had advice to give him, and if he'd have shut up long enough, he'd have gotten it.

Seeing this was a bit of an ah-hah moment for me, as I'd just returned from a meditation retreat, during which the monk teaching us had discussed how meditation pertains to the skill of listening.

"Are you listening to understand? he asked. "Or are you listening to respond?"

I'd never been presented with that notion before: how I listen.

"To understand," I thought.

"Watch the motivation and the method," he said. "Be aware. It may not be right."

Later, after the chat with my friend, I realized that my response to the monk's question had been wrong. I'd been listening to respond, which meant I was listening with an agenda, which meant I wasn't listening to understand.

That moment stays fresh with me because it was the first time I realized that I'd deluded myself into believing that I was a good listener, and reality had shown me that I wasn't. It wasn't an easy truth to admit, but after the sting to my ego had passed, I saw the need, and an opportunity, to do better.

One way I've found to do better is through this practice of meditation. Because as we become more present and focused, more aware of our own mental mechanics, we can be more present and focused with others. As we become less reactive and judgmental, we can stop being distracted by our own opinions and viewpoints. We can arrest our need to control conversations. As these internal obstacles weaken, we find it easier to truly hear others on a level that pays them the honor of being heard deeply. And I believe we owe them that.

Meditation is fundamentally the practice of training our focus and attention, and recognizing when it's been lost. We learn to focus on an object, like the breath, and when the mind wanders, we gently bring it back. This skill of noticing and returning is directly transferable to conversation. When we're speaking with someone, the mind will inevitably jump to distraction - our to-do list, what we'll say next, or any other mental object on a long list of possibilities. Meditation trains us to recognize these urges and to redirect our attention back to the person speaking, allowing us to give them our full presence and attention.

As we hone this ability, we learn to observe our thoughts and emotions without judging them. As we practice, we strengthen our capacity to do the same with others. Instead of judging, criticizing or opining, we can listen to them with a clear and open mind. This non-judgmental approach allows us to truly understand their perspective, without our own biases getting in the way.

With the cultivation of this capacity to withhold judgement, we begin to create a space between stimulus and response where before we would find ourselves beholden to our reactions and judgements. In conversation, this is pausing before we speak. When someone says something that triggers an emotional reaction, such as anger or defensiveness, our conditioned response is often to interrupt or react. Meditation helps us notice this impulse so that we may hold our tongue and allow the impulse to pass. By creating a moment of space, we can take a breath, process the information, and respond thoughtfully and constructively, rather than reacting on impulse. Or, we can decide to not respond at all. Sometimes, silence is required.

Through this practice we also become more aware of our own mental and emotional habits. We start to recognize our triggers, our tendencies to interrupt, or the stories we tell ourselves when we should be listening. This self-awareness is crucial for deep listening. When we know our own patterns, we are better equipped to notice them in real-time and choose a different, more helpful response. This improved self-awareness also helps us become more attuned to the non-verbal cues and underlying emotions of the person to whom we're listening, which is one of the foundations of empathy.

As we are able to quiet the internal noise that often drowns out what others are saying, we can be more present, more open, more aware, more accepting.

We can listen to understand, not just to respond.